I ate a vegetable.
If you don’t understand the significance of this statement, then you haven’t read my Rosh Hashanah Resolutions. I never eat vegetables. Not because I dislike them or anything but because whenever I buy them, I relegate them to the bottom of the fridge where they wait (and wait, and wait, and wait) to be eaten but more likely go bad and grow mold. My sister (who cleans my fridge) thinks I should get a HAZARDOUS WASTE sticker for my refrigerator.
Okay, so it’s only Monday but so far I am optimistic about my resolutions.
1. Save money.
I went into a Victoria’s Secret store today and quickly walked out after realizing her secret is that everything is padded and pushed up and I did not want to let loose my inner baby prostitute. I looked and looked for nice, boring, sensible underwear that would make my grandmother (or someone else’s grandmother more likely if you know anything about mine) and I couldn’t find anything. I walked into a store and did not buy anything. Whoa. If they sold gum, I wouldn’t have been able to control myself. That stuff by the checkout aisle always brings me to my knees. And I’m not even supposed to chew gum because of my TMJ.
2. Lose Weight.
Oh, come on, it’s only Monday. I survived Rosh Hashanah without gaining any weight. Deal with it. Sure, everyone tells you that you don’t gain weight on Shabbos and holidays when you’re porking up on challah but have you ever actually gotten on the scale after that requisite binge eating fest? I swear I can put on three pounds from Friday night to Saturday night. And okay, I never did go for that walk on Rosh Hashanah but I did get out to the gym today where I propped up my Kindle on the book rest and burned some calories while eating up another delicious Sookie Stackhouse book (first 7 on sale at Amazon now!).
For those of you who think the “lose weight” thing is just a vanity thing, I got a couple of words for you: HEART ATTACK. STROKE. DIABETES. Along with flat feet, these are the things that run in my family. Thank you, Mom and Dad. Now I’m going to go pop my cholesterol medication.
3. Eat more bunny food.
See aforementioned carrot. Tomorrow I might conquer a mountain…of spinach. I can dream! I can dream!
4. Live more. Write less.
Okay, I haven’t written a damn thing in a while. It’s even killing me to write this blog post. Weird. Very weird. Usually, I crank them out while I’m in some trance that can only be likened to angels whispering the words in my ear. If angels wrote blog posts, that is. I don’t get what’s with this “write drought” and I might get concerned next week if things don’t pick up but I’ve been enjoying myself too much to complain.
I’ve gotten hooked on Dexter Season 3 (awesome!) and once I got over that the main character is a serial killer, I’ve had a pretty great (awesome! awesome! awesome!) time. I also watched True Blood Season 1, which was really enjoyable if I covered my eyes through all the gratitutous nudity. But honestly, cable TV will ruin you for network television though. I think it has ruined me. Or maybe Gossip Girl always sucked?
5. Stop complaining. Start moving on.
I’m working on it. I’m working on it. But this could be a whole life’s work! I certainly wish that my Rosh Hashanah had been more spiritual (it was relaxing! peaceful! quite comfortably boring!) but I wonder if the same thing that’s blocking my writing is blocking my connection with G-d.
Good thing G-d’s not going anywhere while I find my way back. And I hope I do. I really hope I do. Probably looking for G-d in television shows and books about serial killers and vampires isn’t the best way to go. But I need some inner peace, sometime to take myself away from my story to listen to the stories (albeit, fictional) of others. I’ve always said if I ever had a lot of money, I would leave it all to the New York Public Library. Why? I wouldn’t have survived my childhood without the stories that took me, time and time again, out of that Hell.