I am dropping my Hebrew II class. I can’t stand it. It’s so boring. I am going to have to study on my own and try to learn along the way but I definitely cannot continue. Maybe I can pick up the same class next “session” but I feel like I’m too tired to learn anything on Wednesday nights. Okay, that’s not the case…my Ethical Living class which is taught by a Rabbi that works with Israelight is fascinating. It’s an hour long after Hebrew and I have no problems staying awake.

Speaking of which, I found myself telling someone why I’m converting the other day and struggling to encapsulate my journey into words. Yes, I was a precocious child who at eight told the Sunday school teacher that one could NOT draw G-d. I took my yellow crayon and drew a light. G-d is light, I told her. Meanwhile, at 14, I had no problem deciding after much soul-searching and book researching that Judaism was the only faith that “fit.” It was no stretch to accept the basic tenets of Judaism. If you don’t know what those are, I do not plan on explaining them to you because there is a deeper reason outside of them that makes me want to convert.

Growing up, I was the eldest child, I had no one to talk to and my friends were always too immature to contend with my problems at home. The only “person” I had was G-d. I prayed my little heart out. I had heart-to-heart talks. It never occurred to me that there was no G-d. My life was a tragedy but I assured myself that G-d would save me, G-d had not created this tragedy and if G-d had, it was all for a reason.

My twenty-fourth year was enlightening. I felt like I saw the master plan. I was right, G-d had a plan. There was a reason the whole time. I am the person I am today because of all that happened to be before and suddenly I was grateful for those random beatings, those emotional episodes, the fear that informed my childhood and the pain of my transition to adulthood. I started to become more religious because of my appreciation towards G-d.

Today in class, we talked about yirat Hashem, which has been translated often as “fear of G-d, G-dfearing” but my teacher explored with us as “being in awe of G-d.” Whatever it really stands for, I realized that I came to Judaism because it is the only religion that I believe encompasses an awe of G-d. In its impure state, people follow Judaism and the Torah to avoid G-d’s wrath, but I believe that in its purest state, it is a religion where the awe of G-d is imbued in every action, even going to the bathroom.

In the end, though I am not eloquent in any way of explicating why I want to convert to anyone other than my Rabbi, I find that Judaism is the best way to live my life. It still “fits.” It is not just about me either. I find that I fell in love with G-d and in falling in love with G-d, I fell in love with Judaism and I have high hopes of looking back at my life as a grandmother and seeing my grandchildren come to Judaism much more easily than my conversion process currently seems.