Okay, apparently, I’ve been spending so much time in Los Angeles, I’ve forgotten how to navigate my way around Riverdale. I got lost trying to walk up from my place to Wave Hill, which was only open this particular Monday because it was Labor Day. This wouldn’t have been so embarrassing if I hadn’t been dragging one of my aunts along with me.
After about a half hour (or was it an hour or two?) of getting lost and oohing and ahhing over all those great houses along the Hudson River and imagining ourselves inside them, we actually made it to Wave Hill. But after having hiking up one too many hills, my aunt said we should turn back because she was abandoning me for an afternoon barbecue.
But what she wanted to talk about all the way home? Laboring to bring my as-yet imaginary children. As in, “you’re almost 30 when are you going to have a baby? You know you only have until 35 and then it’s….” Yes, I’m aware. Because the closer I get to 30, the more I seem to be having this conversation. Apparently, I didn’t have my aunt read “My Uterus is None of Your Business” and I’m actually debating sending it to her now.
Fun facts from my family members: It’s really cheap to rent a womb in India. Or to get a baby from China! Your eggs are going bad as we speak!
Useless ways to answer “When are you going to have a baby?” at age 29 in my family:
1. I don’t have money to have a baby.
Response: “Well, no one has the money to have a baby but somehow they make do! I mean, if it was about money, most people would never have babies.” Is it just me or isn’t it irresponsible to have children when you can’t afford them? I remember what it’s like to starve because my parents couldn’t afford to feed me.
2. I’m too sick to have a baby. Fibromyalgia, depression and babies don’t mix.
Response: “Well you don’t look sick.” Only the worst thing you can say to someone with an invisible disability.
3. Variation on #2: I’m too sick to take care of a baby.
Response: “You can pay someone else to take care of it.” Did you miss #1?
3. I’m waiting until my husband actually has a job.
Response: “Well, you can’t wait for ever. I mean, the clock is ticking. Tick tock. Just get pregnant now and I’m sure he’ll get one by the time the baby is due.”
Right because the economy isn’t in the toilet or anything right now.
4. I don’t like babies.
Response: “Well, you don’t have to like babies to have them. Besides, I’m sure everyone likes their own babies.” Sure, except for my parents.
5. Mind your own business.
Fact is, despite my peppy article, I haven’t tried this one. It sounds too rude. Yeah, I know you’re thinking but aren’t they being rude by asking? And maybe I could summon up rude when asked if it wasn’t for the fact that every time people broach this subject with me, I end up crying for hours.